Do you think that I wrote this scene well?

The scene takes place way into the book, so you're going to be a little confused. Sorry about that. Basically my main character is being dragged of to jail. A huge fight scene occurs before this.


I don't know, this scene was just difficult to write. Well, that's not true. It actually came very naturally but I'm not sure that I captured the right tone. What do you think? Please give me your feedback, this a very important scene.


Oh, and I apalogize if there are any spelling or grammar errors. I'm not perfect and neither is spell check. And I haven't had my mom edit this part yet :)





Scene


She grabbed my hand and began pulling me back in the direction of the forest.


We did it! The thought flashed bright and triumphant in my mind. We’re going to get away! The hope fueled my strength just as the anger had.


And then something grabbed my ankle and I plummeted downward. “Holly!” I shrieked. Holly spun and grabbed my hand, holding tightly onto hit, trying to drag me towards her. But the vampire was too strong and he was holding both of my ankles, rather than just one of my sweaty hands, and he pulled me back towards him. And then his partner joined him and I knew that there was no hope. The strength drained from me faster than a shooting star streaking across the night sky.


My eyes met Holly’s and I knew that she saw something in them. Her eyes widened in panic and tears began to stream from them. “No! Lily, please don’t.”


She dug her finger nails into the back of my hand and gave a mighty tug. But it made no difference. Her hair stuck to her cheeks that were coated with sweat and tears and smears of blood. Whether the blood was mine or hers I knew not.


“I’m sorry,” I whispered and let my hand slip out of hers.


Her scream of shock and rage and betrayal was more painful than anything I had ever felt. It cut me like a knife. It burned me like fire. I buried my head into my chest as the vampire scooped me up and threw me into the back of the metal thing.


“Say goodbye to your little friend, witch,” the vampire hissed, his eyes glinting in the semi darkness. I dragged myself across the icy metal floor and put my face as close to his as I dared.


“Don’t you dare hurt her,” I growled. The vampire laughed. The moment he stopped his face grew grave and his eyes seemed to glaze over.


“We don’t hurt the innocent,” he said. “She has no blood on her hands.”


I pulled myself into the corner and watched as the beam of light grew smaller as the door swung shut. I heard the cold laughter of the vampires, heard the screams of triumph from the crowd, and heard something else. A scream that came from Holly’s throat. She was screaming my name.


“No! Lily, no! Please! Please, don’t give up!” Her screams grew louder and increasingly frantic as the beam of light grew smaller. “NO! LILY! LILY! FIGHT! FIGHT, DAMN IT! LILY!”


The last thing I saw was a flash of her face before the door closed and I was plummeted into complete darkness. I buried my face into my knees and let the hot tears stream down my face. They were taking me away, taking me to a place what I couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. Including Holly.


I could still hear her muffled screams even with the door shut. I drew myself close to the door and pressed my ear and palm against it, imagining that my palm was touching hers. I squeezed my fist together, imagining that my fingers were knotting around hers.


“I’m so sorry, Holly,” I whispered, knowing that there was no way that she would hear me. “You’ll never know how sorry I am.” There was a loud boom and the wall that I was leaning against shook violently. Holly had thrown herself against the door in a desperate attempt to break it down.


“NO!” I screamed, pounding on the door with my fists. “STOP IT, HOLLY! STOP IT! YOU’LL HURT YOURSELF!”


“Lily!” she gasped and pounded on the door back to me. “Lily, I’m coming for you, I promise.”


“No, Holly, don’t!”


“I am! I’m coming, I promise.”


“Don’t!” I shouted. “Please, don’t!”


“Lily, I love you! I’m not going to let them take you away from me!”


“No! If you really love me you’ll let them take me. Promise me that you won’t come.”


There was silence on the other side.


“Promise!”


“I promise.” Holly’s voice was thick with tears. I heard her sob and lean against the wall. I sobbed loudly and leaned against the wall too.


“I love you too, Holly,” I whispered. I couldn’t hear anything but Holly’s sobs. There was a soft bumping sound as something small pressed against the metal wall separating us. Her hand. I closed my eyes and pressed my palm to where the sound had come from, to where hers was. I imagined that I could feel her soft skin against mine; that I could curl my fingers down to lock them with hers.


The metal cart gave a shutter and I could feel it roll forward. Holly’s sobs ceased and I could hear her screaming again.


Something occurred to me in the moments before I passed out cold on the floor of the cart that was dragging me away. That wDo you think that I wrote this scene well?
that was intense!


i have a few suggestions:





when you say ';hot tears,'; i imagine like...something other than what i think you're trying to convey. maybe just say tears, or even ';burning'; tears.. something along those line.





and when it says: “I promise.” Holly’s voice was thick with tears. I heard her sob and lean against the wall. I sobbed loudly and leaned against the wall too.


I think you should say something like...:


“I promise.” Holly’s voice was thick with tears. I heard her sob and lean against the wall. I too sobbed and leaned toward the wall....and then go on to say why... something like: for i knew our future would never be the same. or something (i'm no writer!)





and the last thing:


I couldn’t hear anything but Holly’s sobs.


i think it would sound better if you said:


I could hear nothing but Holly's sobs.





hope it helped a bit (:


i really liked the scene, too!





edit:


p.s. i would love to see the finished product (:Do you think that I wrote this scene well?
hmm, seems like there's a too much excess that you don't need and throw in more detail (e.g. ';metal thing';) however, i really thought it was interesting and i'd love to read something like this! are lily and holly actually in love or is it friend love? if they are in love i want to know more about it! i've never been able to find a book like that yet! don't stop writing!
I thought it was really good! I love your descriptions. I don't think it's excess. I actually like the detail.
I don't know if I've said this before, but I'm definitely seeing some Stephenie Meyer influence here. You have a great writing style, and I really think you did a good job with this scene. The only thing is that you SHOULD probably give a more specific description of ';the metal thing';.


Happy writing, and good luck with your book :)


Livvy