What do you think about this story?

Now, mind you, I'm only fifteen. I know I'm no Shakespeare, but I try. I think that writing is my passion, and it's what I want to do with my life... so I'd better get used to criticism. :)





Also, music is another of my passions, so this particular story (Called ';Bits and Pieces';), is about a bartender and four musicians.


Here's a paragraph or two of one of my favorite parts, when Benny (one of the musicians) confesses to the main character, Reese, that he's diabetic. This takes place at a playground, and they're both sort of drunk. (Don't you worry--they're both over 21!)





Also, it hasn't been edited yet, so please forgive grammar and spelling mistakes. Thank you so much in advance!





As Benny slid down the slide, I had a miniature war inside my head.


Should I ask him?... No... I shouldn't. Yes, I should. No, I shouldn't. This might be my only chance! But I can tell him later... Not now...


';Benny?'; I chirped, nervous.


';Yeah, Reese?'; He peered up at me from the ground, looking up at me with a small smile spreading across his face.


';Do... do you like the other people in the band?'; I asked quietly, making Benny chuckle.


';Pieces, of course I like them. They're my best friends--that's the only way they put up with my moodiness.'; He looked confused at why I was asking.


';Oh. Then why were you always trying to get away from them?'; Benny's eyes darkened at my question.


';Well... Reese... it's a condition.'; He said quietly.


';What? A condition?'; I was baffled. Was that a metaphor for something?


';... I'm diabetic.'; He whispered so softly that I had to lean in to hear.


';Oh.'; That's all I could say. Oh.


';My blood sugar felt high, so I went backstage so the other guys couldn't see me check it.'; His voice sounded strained, as if even he didn't believe what he was saying. ';All the guys think I'm depressed or withdrawn or something.';


';That's... sad.'; After my whole life bartending, I couldn't think of anything to say. ';I... I wouldn't have guessed.';


';Well, fortunately, neither have the others.';


';But you should tell them! They'd understand why you're always disappearring!';


';No, Reese, I can't! And you can't, either!';


';But it would make things so much easier...'; I argued, almost pleadingly.


';Please, Pieces. Believe me. They can't know. What if they start treating me like some little kid or something? I told my mom, and she STILL won't leave me alone about it.';


';Benny, they won't treat you like a little kid. Plenty of people in the world have diabetes, it's not a big deal--';


';Not a big deal?! I'd like to see you try pricking your fingers all the time just to check your blood sugar! How about giving yourself insulin twice a day by injection? Want to try that?'; Benny's face was red, and his voice trembled. He held up his hands to show me the small red dots on the sides of his fingers from pricking them. ';You... have... no... idea.';


I sat, my feet dangling off the side of the play tower. My bartender's intuition picked up spontaneously, and I silently climbed down the ladder. Benny gave me an odd, stupefied look as I walked over to where he stood and gathered him into a hug, wrapping my arms around his back.


The other three musicians on the other side of the soundproof plexiglass walls gave me a thumbs-up, but I ignored them. All I concentrated on was Benny's steady sniffling, and the tiny drops of tears dripping onto my shoulder.


When my intuition assured me that he was comforted, I let go, stepping back a couple feet. Benny wiped at his eyes furiosly, as if I couldn't tell he was crying. I chuckled softly.


';Thanks for that.'; He kept rubbing his eyes. ';Sorry, you must think I'm some girly, emotional person...';


';No, I don't. I can understand--you've never told anyone that.'; I smiled, and we stood wordlessly for a few moments.


';Would... would you mind not telling the other guys that I was crying? They'd never let me live it down.';


';Two secrets in one night? Whoo... I don't know.';What do you think about this story?
Good dialogue but perhaps you need more description of where they are to ground/anchor it into reality.