Prologue [or however it鈥檚 spelt]
You think you know it all don鈥檛 you? When your seventeen years, life, time. It just speeds by without us giving it a second thought. I however gave it a second thought, a third, a fourth; I must have given it a million thoughts. Of course I realised how precious time is to think. I didn鈥檛 realise this straight away though... it was David who never realised it ever though, sick and twisted the world spins us around, up and away. There鈥檚 a small story I am about to tell you, the reason I tell you this first is because this is why my life ended, my unspoken love for one girl.
Rachel Leonard. The very thought of her tended to make me drift off, I always thought of myself as a ladies鈥?man back then, rather stupid I suppose. There was a time once, when I thought she loved me, but how wrong could I really get? I used to stare at her, the way her light brown hair fell like a perfect halo across her pale perfect face. The small way she smiled, shy yet full of confidence and bravery. She was different, that was what drove me insane around her, and many girls would have jumped at a chance to get my attention, anyone... but not her never her. I should mention right now that I and Rachel were best friends, the best of friends that any friend can really get. The trust between us, the closeness, and the edgy feeling of something more is what brought me to my death...
I died when I was seventeen.
Chapter one. 鈥?Loveless.
It was assembly, pretty much just another boring day, my step-farther stood on stage in a full on rant. I examined him with a frown; you think you got it tough? Is your step-dad the headmaster of your school? No? Not likely. The reason I never call him Dad is because of a unsteady relationship we have, my mother died when I was three, she had a incurable cancer, I wasn鈥檛 there when she died but I had imagined her death many times over, blood and horrible pain, I know cancer doesn鈥檛 cause deep wounds but my hatred and fear takes over my reason... I blamed my step-farther for being away so much, it wasn鈥檛 really his fault my mom caught cancer but, I thought I had to blame someone... just one person.
I felt my eyes sag, my head fell onto the shoulder next to me, I felt my brothers light blonde hair brush my cheek, I shivered at the feeling, he lightly pushed me off, I opened my eyes and looked at him, he gave me a look back and a light smile. It was like he could read my mind, maybe it felt like this because he wasn鈥檛 just my brother; he was my twin, my older twin. David Geller. I didn鈥檛 know at the time what he was really like. David looked after me, he sorted anything out, I know I really don鈥檛 sound like the type of person who needed looking after, but sometimes I did. David broke my gaze with a bored expression. I frowned slightly.
I began to glance around at some people nearby, no one I really knew was here in this hall anyone sensible would skive off, and I looked around for Rachel. She looked so content and happy just sitting there. Oh how I loved her.
I started to scan again my eyes landed on a mirror in the corner, I felt my hands fall into place on my hair fixing little flicks, I saw David behind me in the mirror I never thought how we looked alike till I saw both of us. Our pale complexions, shaggy dirty blonde hair, a small scatter of freckles across the nose. I smiled at the thought...
Fingers poked my ribs snapping me back into the room, I looked at David angrily, he was looking behind me up above my head, I turned around my felt and let out a moan. Mr Davis, a particularly strict teacher who tended to pick on me for reasons I didn鈥檛 yet know. I grinned sheepishly ready to take my punishment.
***
Detention! I couldn鈥檛 believe that guys nerve! Just for fixing my hair, I was positively fuming as I made my way up to my dorms. I hated Private school it would be worse enough with normal school. Missing out on an after school time, but here we got detentions at the weekend! Urgh.
I heard small footsteps behind me, with a frown I ignored them, I didn鈥檛 care less who was going to try and calm me down today, they wouldn鈥檛 succeed , I was at a stage in my life where the slightest thing annoyed me.
I walked into my dorm, slamming the door without a second thought; no one was in here yet. Good! I stormed onto my bed, pulling off my shoes throwing them in a random corner; I lay down, running my hands down my face with a huge sigh. I heard the door handle twist. I didn鈥檛 look up though, not for a full minute till I heard a small light cough, the recognise-ation of it made me smile. I sat up, staring into the warm beautiful face of Rachel.
She made her way pointedly to me, sitting down next to me, with a soft smile. IWould you read this book?
I love how you have created each character with strong emotions which make the reader more closer to the person. The only thing i do think you haven't explained enough is why. Why does he love Rachel? Why does he go to a Private School-did he only get in because of his Father?
I have nothing against the Prologue [yes that's how you spell it]. It was extremely gripping and made me want to read more. I do have to nag at this bit:
'Fingers poked my ribs snapping me back into the room, I looked at David angrily, he was looking behind me up above my head, I turned around my felt and let out a moan. Mr Davis, a particularly strict teacher who tended to pick on me for reasons I didn鈥檛 yet know. I grinned sheepishly ready to take my punishment.'
'I turned around and felt and let out a moan.
Mr Davis, a particularly strict teacher who tended to pick on me for reason i didn't yet know.'
I would say you could add to these sentences by saying:
I turned around to fix my hair, feeling all of the knots wrapped inside. I let out a moan, and turned, only to come face to face with Mr Davis, a particular strict teacher who tended to pick on me for reasons i didn't yet know.
I hope this helps you and i expect that you'll get a very high mark for this- i certainly got hooked!
Dawn.
xoxWould you read this book?
Do you do really it??? It's wonderful!! You're good, when you do a book, you'll tell me and I'll buy it!!!
Yes, it sounds good
I would suggest you print it off and read it out loud or get someone to read it to you. The sentence structure needs changing e.g. in your prologue (you spelt it correctly) the second and third sentences need to be linked together as you have stopped and started a sentence in mid flow. There are other examples too e.g. ';I started to scan my eyes etc'; and ';it would be worse enough with normal school etc.';
Having said that the story does have body and it flows well too and the answer to your question is 'Yes I would read it but do polish your sentence structure first otherwise it is hard to read. Good luck with your assessment.
omg! i love it! u should put more on here id love to read it and im sure you will get an a on the assignment. theres also a website i use to put my own writing on and have fun with books its called goodreads.com thousands of ppl can read ur writing and give u input its very helpfull
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