';How could you do this to yourself? How could you do this to your own family? You are a descrase.';
My mom said in a angry yet terrified.
';No mom, how could my head do this to me.';
Then the beep stirred crossed room, and it hummed. As my eyes close. It assured everyone...
That the 'discrace' was gone.
is this okay for 13?
And sorry for any spelling mistakes, Im not so good with spelling.How is this short story i wrote?
This story is graphic, but well planned. I'm surprised to see that a 13 year old has such a grasp on suicide. There is a feminine quality about the work. Your ideas were formed quite nicely, though I'd try to break up the paragraphs a little. Start the new paragraphs with strong sentences. For instance, you can grab your audience by breaking the sentences ';I was in the hospital. -paragraph/indent- My mother's eyes cried in horror as she came to accept what I had done.';
I have a few opinions that I might give an author if I was editing her book:
Try not to start off with pronouns. Instead of ';supposedly supposed to stop,'; try ';expected,'; or a more common word. The sentence with ';one drop of blood'; was well written. You're painting a picture in your reader's mind with detail like that. It was neither too much nor too little. An ellipsis... has only 3 ';dots.'; The ';slide from my shoulder'; sentence is incomplete. Try to re-write the idea because it seems important to the story, and it shouldn't be deleted.
There are a few other run-on sentences and misspellings. Try to get rid of them to make the story easier to read. Break up the story into paragraphs, like after the sentence beginning with ';Dizziness.'; Indent again with the sentence beginning in ';My mom was looking.';
I like how you broke up the paragraphs when the character's mother began speaking. Try using the word ';disgrace.';
It was short, but nice, especially for a thirteen year-old.How is this short story i wrote?
Good writing. A very serious topic.
Help me?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?鈥?/a>
Better than I would expect from a 13 year old. Very good job! Keep up the good work!!!!
Woah...really...emo.
It's okay, I'll give it that much but nothing more...
That was very good writing.
I noticed a typo where you wrote descrase and discrase... the spelling is disgrace (dis- like 'out of' -grace) but don't worry about that. That is what spelling checkers are for. %26lt;grins%26gt; I use the one in MS Word all the time.
The other place that jumps out at me is where you wrote, 'supposedly supposed to...';. Since that's two words from the same root word, it looks a little redundant (repetitive). There are other words you could use to replace supposedly. One of them might feel right to you: evidently, it seems, it appears, purportedly, they say it is, apparently... (and other ways of saying it.)
I think the storyline is good. --ups and down to hold the reader's interest.
First, the reader thinks the main character hurt himself, and then the shock that he is killing himself, then the relief that he woke up in the hospital, and the final realization that he has died anyway.
I don't care for stories with a dark ending, but you have written it well.
Keep up the good work.
Reminds me of Steven King's work back in high school.
Who knows? --You may be the next Steven King...! (or if you happen to be female, maybe it's Stephanie King...%26lt;g%26gt;)
I am a writer, too, but he's rich and I'm not... Maybe I should have written stories more like yours...
Anyway, good luck on your future writing.
*Revision*
It was then and only then when my rather blank mind rebooted, and switched itself back in reality. It missed all the rest, all that it was supposedly supposed to stop from coming true. But that's how my brain works, it shuts off my eyes, so I don't notice what I'm doing until I feel ALL of the pain. Then my eyes become clear. My eyes can now see what my mind was making my hands do. Only one drop of red blood showed me what kind of monster I have become. And my weary eyes just watched! My brain now held my mouth closed from screams, and my legs planted....so no help could rise. I just watch it drip. Slide from my shoulder, all the way to my cold finger tip. And slowly, ever so slowly, drip. A pool of blood formed. Dizziness filled my aching head. It spun, my world spun. Did everyones' world spin as fast as mine? Or was it just me.... it was the devil's saint, guiding me farther and farther from life. And when the light clicked on and gleamed my luring eyes, I was 100% sure that i was dead. Until everything became clear...I was in the hospital. My mom was looking down at me.
';How could you do this to yourself? How could you do this to your own family? You are a disgrace.';
My mom said in a angry yet terrified tone.
';No mom, how could my head do this to me.';
Then the beep stirred and crossed room, and it hummed. As my eyes close. It assured everyone...
That the 'disgrace' was gone.
*END REVISION*
I didn't fix everything because I want this story to retain it's original intention.
This story shows promise. It is enlightening how easily a person can become so destructive to their own body. However promising this story may be, it is hard to concentrate through the misspellings and grammar errors. I suggest using Word to spell-check your errors and reading the story aloud and slowly to yourself before you submit anything. If you plan on using this for a contest or for a class have someone else proofread it for you (like a teacher, classmate, parent, etc).
When I was thirteen I wrote stories, not unlike this one. I still continue to this day to write stories. I remember when my grammar and spelling was so horrendous that I though I wouldn't pass 5th grade English. Now I'm in college and an English major. Life is ironic and often comes full circle. Continue writing about anything and everything--often the best works come from personal experiences.
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