Please read part of my story! 10 pts!?

So, I've picked a randon page out of my story, and put it up here. Please don't criticize my grammer and spelling, I know that there are mistakes. Tell me what you DO like, as well as the parts you really don't. THANKS!!








“I’m not sure how to describe her. You know the nursery rhyme about Little Bo Peep?”


“Um, Yeah.”


The doors reopened. “That’s my mom, minus the spider.”


Leo raised his eyebrows but said nothing.


We got to my apartment quickly; it wasn’t far from the agency. Nyx had been right about the rain. Every drop of water that touched my skin sent a tingle down my spine and sureness to my step. Leo wanted to take the elevator but I convinced him that the fire escape was a better idea; I couldn’t handle seeing Joseph as sweet as he was.


“We could’ve flown.” He grumbled, when I accidentally kicked him in the face. Eventually we reached the top platform and I hoisted myself through the bathroom window. Leo followed, but made way too much noise.


I heard my Isadora’s voice hesitantly call out, “Julie?”


I took a deep breath and opened my bathroom door, then my bedroom door. I’d expected to see her, wearing her usual red lipstick and Chanel suit but what I found almost made me scream. She was makeup free and wearing a nightgown. She had a black eye and her hands were tied behind her back. There were two men standing above her, one of them was pointing a Glok at her.


“I’m here.” I said, working hard to keep my voice even.


Tears streaked her face.


The man turned to me, the gun with him. His face was brutal and scarred. He was muscular and boxy, not much taller than Leo.


“The infamous Julie Blacktree.”


“Wrong, Clio Proud.”


I pulled my knife out. I wasn’t afraid of his gun.


I heard Leo’s knife come out of his scabbard, which made me feel better.


The man just laughed. “I don’t take kindly to one of my men being killed. My mind flashed to Felix O’Tay.


“He deserved what he got.”


The man laughed, a sickening sound. “Did he insult the little brat? Did the big scary man hurt your feelings?”


I took three steps forward, inches from him.


“I’m not afraid of you. I wasn’t afraid of that imbecile either.”


He slapped me hard across the face. Isadora gasped. I’d never give him the satisfaction of showing my pain. I just laughed. “Do it again. I dare you, see if I care.”


He tried to but I ducked low, stabbing his foot.


“Leo, now!” I yelled.


The man I’d stabbed started swearing quite loudly while Leo stabbed the other guy in the chest. He fell instantly like a toy solider. The man shot me. It hit me right where my heart was and it felt like someone flicking me. The man stared at me in shock. I grinned and pounced, my sword tip was inches away from his heart when I heard his gun fire again. I knew I had to kill him first. I pushed it deep into his heart and twisted. He fell, grasping for it. I turned quickly. Leo was still standing. Isadora! I ran to her and heard her whisper, “Julie!”


I held her hand tight. Scarlet blood was spreading from a wound in her left shoulder.


“I’m here, I’m here.” I said softly. I could see a light fading from behind her eyes.


She opened her mouth but no sound came out, just a trickle of blood. I could see her lips mouth the words “I’m sorry.” Then her eyes fixed on mine and her fingers went limp in my hand.


“No!” I yelled. The tears were coming fast. Pouring down my cheeks. I hugged her tight but as I did she began to fade, turning to air. Where she had been there was a pearl necklace that she always slept in. I felt Leo crouch by my side and I tried to wipe away the tears but they kept on coming.


“It’s ok to cry.” He said quietly.


I tried to find my voice while forcing the tears back.


“No. I’m not weak.”


“No you’re not.”


“Only the weak cry.” I whispered, snatching the pearls up and latching them around my neck. They felt warm against my collarbone. The heat of her life was still in them, even though it had disappeared in her. I ran through my bed and bathroom, hopping back onto the ledge. There was a railing around the platform and I climbed onto it. I stood perfectly still, the rain beating down against my face. Leo climbed out and joined me. We stood there, balancing on our heels. I held my sword up, letting the rain wash away the man’s blood. I heard Leo say my name but it was far away. It was all way too far away to think about. I let a strangled sob escape from my lips and I jumped.Please read part of my story! 10 pts!?
wow, you are good!


since i started reading i got entertained!


love it how u make the characters expressions discriptive, like Leo's and Nyx.


it felt like a real book i was reading.


good job!Please read part of my story! 10 pts!?
Fantastic story!! I really want to read more!
Ohmigod you're a GREAT writer. I would definitely buy %26amp;+ read it